With Letters Comes Hope
by someplaceovertherainbow
Summary: Sometimes the past can be a hinderance but sometimes it can also bring hope.


**a/n: **This story was my contribution to the MM Fandom Secret Santa that went on on tumblr (It was written for eternallyromantic :) ). I hope that those of you who haven't read it enjoy it and those of you who have already read it, I hope you have fun re-reading it :)

A huge thankyou to patsan for organising the whole thing which led me to this story :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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**With Letters Comes Hope.**

When Mary was a young child she would find herself hardly able to sleep on Christmas Eve, the excitement of what was to come the next morning was all too exciting and she would sit up in bed imagining all the glorious possibilities that awaited her under the Christmas tree. Unfortunately for Mary she could not attribute her current lack of sleep to excitement or anticipation on this particular Christmas Eve. She had spent what had felt like eternity tossing and turning under the covers; a horrible nauseating feeling stirred within her and the pain in her chest that she had been determined to push away ever since that heartbreaking day back in the November of 1916. Setting eyes on Matthew again had been worse than she had ever imagined, even now with their friendship mended seeing him had not become any easier.

She threw back the covers and stepped across the room to her desk, filtering through one of its drawers until she found the small old envelope at the bottom. Mary had sought its comfort last Christmas and the Christmas before that. Perhaps tonight it was just what she needed to soothe her. With the letter securely in her hand and her robe tied around her waist Mary tiptoed quietly out of her bedroom and down the hall.

…**.**

Matthew wasn't quite sure how comfortable he was with his mother's decision to accept Lord Grantham's invitation that they stay at the big house on Christmas Eve. He understood it completely; they would all be together from the moment the sun rose, a perfect picture of familial harmony. But it didn't mean he was at all okay with it. He had tried incredibly hard to forget that he had once loved Mary and that perhaps part of him still did. It wasn't that Matthew didn't enjoy the company of his cousin, for he enjoyed it immeasurably, he just wasn't all too sure whether it was the right thing to be spending so much time near her given all that had transpired between them.

Sleep was eluding him, taunting him by dangling itself just out of his reach which frustrated him to no end. Matthew knew that with just a few hours' sleep he would be able to face tomorrow with some kind of composure. Even an hour of sleep would have made the task lighter. But it wasn't to be so Matthew kicked off the duvet and made his way towards the library. He could remember as a child that his father had told him that the only cure for sleeplessness was a good book. A good book and a glass of warm milk and that was exactly what Matthew had in mind as he walked down the grand stair case. He was certain he would find something to read among the hundreds of books and perhaps something a little stronger than warm milk to drink.

…**..**

Mary was curled up in the arm chair, using the small oil lamp to read by as she opened the small worn envelope. It felt strange to be reading it now when she thought about all that had happened since he'd sent it. But she needed it. If she was truly honest with herself what she really needed was _him,_ but she daren't say it out loud let alone admit it to herself. She read over the letter quietly to herself, her voice tainted to almost less than a whisper.

"Ah…I see I'm not the only one." Her head shot up upon hearing the smooth voice pierce the silence. Mary tried quickly to shove the letter back in its envelope; she couldn't bear to show him that she had kept it for so long "Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt…"

"No, it's quite alright I was just…"

"Couldn't sleep either hmm? I just came to get a book. I'll leave you be once I've made my choice."

"Don't leave on my account…" She tried to muster a smile but it wasn't easy, smiling was never easy when she was looking at Matthew. No, it was more painful if anything "In fact. I was just leaving so you'll have the whole library to yourself."

"Whatever you were reading must've worked wonders. Perhaps it's just the thing I need to send me to sleep."

"You can't have it." Mary retorted, she hurried toward the door but now there he was standing between her and her escape "It's…mine."

"Didn't your nanny or governess ever teach you to share your things?"

There it was. That boyish grin and that twinkle in those deep blue pools of his that made her knees feel weak and her heart twist and turn. Mary was almost angry at him; how dare he look at her like that. If it had been any other of her possessions she would have hardly hesitated in sharing it with him. But this was _her_ letter, it was the only part of him that she still possessed and would so forever no matter how their lives panned out. She wasn't giving it up to anyone; even to the man whose hand was its creator.

"Please Matthew…if you wouldn't mind I would like to go back to my room now."

"Of course…" Ever the gentleman Matthew stepped aside and allowed her to pass, his eyes were fixed firmly on her left hand which clutched the small envelope, swiftly and deftly he took it from her grasp as she passed him.

"Matthew!" She hissed

"What on earth could be so…" His voice trailed off into the ether when he recognised the handwriting on the front "Mary…"

"Please give it back…"

He sat himself down on the settee, it couldn't be could it? Could she have possibly kept his letter after all this time? After all the pain they'd both been through? After all the tribulations they'd suffered? No. No it wasn't possible, Matthew tried to convince himself. He looked from the letter to Mary who stood quietly in the doorway, her head hanging low like she were ill at ease with him having discovered the letter, and then before he knew it he had opened the envelope and began reading.

Mary felt her heart plummet from her chest right to the soles of her feet which seemed to be firmly fixed to the floor. The old Mary, the one who had been so mortified upon meeting her middle-class solicitor of a cousin would have gone right up to him and snatched that letter right out of his hands. But he had changed her and it was not something she liked to admit. Matthew had in a way, softened her, she felt no need to be so distant and so cold. She hated herself for it because life would be much easier to deal with if she was her old self.

"I'd almost forgotten about this…" Matthew tried to smile but it was difficult. This was exactly what he was afraid of. All those barriers, those high indestructible walls that he had built up for himself over the years were beginning to crumble. And those feelings that he had pushed down deep within himself were beginning to resurface and he could do nothing to stop them.

"Sometimes I…"

"Sit…please…" He patted the space next to him and before she knew what she were doing Mary was sitting down before him

"Sometimes I read it. At Christmastime that is."

"It seems rather odd, to think of where I was when I wrote you this letter and then to see where we are today. I can't tell you what a comfort it was in those cold trenches to think of you all sitting by a warm fire on Christmas morning in each other's company. Having a happy Christmas as you all should."

"It was never a happy Christmas. Please don't make the mistake of thinking it was."

"My darling I'm sorry if I…"

"We might not have been fighting the war Matthew but that doesn't mean that we weren't in pain." Mary cursed herself instantly for having been so forthright with her emotions "I must go. You can throw that in the fire when you're finished if you'd like."

"Stay…" Matthew whispered taking her hand in his, his thumb instinctively brushing gently over her fingers "It can't have been easy for any of you."

"Oh Matthew…I know it was so much more difficult for you. And I'm certainly not suggesting that we were worse off but just because we were home it doesn't mean…"

"I know..."

And they sat like that for over an hour, just the two of them in complete silence save for the gentle rustling of the wind through the trees , their hands still linked together softly, no words, instead simple stares said all that needed to be said. It was only when the ringing of the clock in the Entrance Hall broke the silence that they were pulled out of their trance. Somehow they'd managed to shift closer together, their knees resting lightly against the others and their eyes fixed on each other. It was almost as if there was a magnet between them pulling them together. No matter how much the two of them had tried to be strong and forget everything that had gone on in their lives those walls they'd built were all but gone now.

Inches turned to centimetres, then centimetres to millimetres and then nothing. Their lips connected within moments, slowly and gently caressing, trying to savour what they could of the smallest moment in time. It all came flooding back to Mary; their first kiss and how wonderful it had felt, to have been loved in that moment for who she was and not what she had. But the memory of the bliss was quickly followed by the spiral of hurt and despair of her hesitation and his rejection. She couldn't hurt him again. She wouldn't allow herself to, so she pulled away from his kiss before her heart let her go where her mind knew she mustn't.

"I ought to get back to bed." It took all of Matthew's willpower to hide his disappointment when Mary pulled away from him, but part of him knew it was the right thing to do "Happy Christmas Matthew." She whispered, kissing his cheek before leaving him alone in the dark depths of the now empty library.

"Merry Christmas Mary." He whispered, kissing the letter and holding it against his chest. Matthew knew he wasn't quite ready to be as close as he once was with Mary; the guilt was still lingering within him, but his love for her was still there, that he couldn't deny. And he knew now that he didn't want it to go away, he wanted to hold onto it forever and perhaps sometime soon he'd let Mary know that too.

Matthew smiled to himself and made his way back to his room, the feeling of Mary's lips on his still fresh in his mind. _Yes_, he thought, it was going to be a very happy Christmas indeed.


End file.
